How Long ‘Til These Planets Become the Next Rental Hot Spots?
In the future, the hottest rentals in the coolest neighborhoods may be found a little further out than you’re accustomed to looking.
We’re imagining a time when Earth will no longer be such an exclusive place to live. It may be a while, of course, until that becomes a reality, but we like to think that the dream of interplanetary life is possible.
What would that look like? How would you choose where to live?
Each planet in our solar system just might offer its own perks and special neighborhoods. People with shared interests might come together to share new worlds.
Join us as we here at Apartment Guide boldly predict the future: apartment living off-planet!
(Note: Neil deGrasse Tyson was not consulted in the preparation of this story.)
Who’ll live here: Jupiter is the Texas of planets in our solar system. J-ville will become the home of on-the-go business types, out-sized land barons and those who don’t know how to take things lightly. (As a matter of fact, they’ll look at things with about two and a half times the gravity with which we might on Earth.) Plenty of room available, so apartments should be spacious, though perhaps not exactly comfortable.
Average rent: 1 million bitcoins/month.
Fun fact: Jupiter is the size of about 1300 Earths. (On Jupiter, an onion weighs, oh, about twice what it does on Earth.)
Who’ll live here: Home of fiery personalities. Think mean girls at 465 degrees Celsius. It’s a truly toxic atmosphere. “Apartments in the clouds.”
Average rent: Undetermined at this juncture.
Fun fact: Venus has clouds made of sulfuric acid.
Who’ll live here: The Ultimate Man Cave, home of single men, geeks, Gods of War. (Check the Mars Rover for an HD feed of beautiful new apartment construction.) If you like the color red, no redecoration is necessary.
Average rent: 666 units of Martian gold.
Fun fact: Mars’ red color comes from oxidized iron.
Who’ll live here: Domicile of designer types and domestic goddesses, lovers of the fine and exquisite. Be aware that renting a ring is extra. (Location, location, location!)
Average rent: 1,099 interstellar dubloons.
Fun fact: The rings of Saturn are actually dust and rocks.
Who’ll live here: Hipsters! Uranus is upside down, tilted on its axis. Hipsters may regard this coldest of planets because, as UniverseToday writes, “Uranus actually releases less heat than it absorbs from the Sun because its core is much cooler than the cores of the other planets.” Of course, in terms of renting, the true hipster has already set his sights on that rogue planet that’s 6 times the size of Jupiter. (That’s planemos to you.) Just don’t repeat the name of this planet too fast.
Average rent: 777 Interplanetary Hipster Units (IHUs), which are derived from the average weight of a hipster’s beard compared to the relative gravity of the planet, divided by the mass of their eyewear.
Fun fact: Uranus is the coldest planet in our solar system.
Who’ll live here: Thrill-seekers, adventurous types. Neptune is exceptionally windy; these winds can rip a building in half. Orbitally speaking, it’s in, it’s out. You might want to look at other options, but for those who love it, it’s a gas…planet.
Average rent: 156.2 space rubles.
Fun fact: Neptune’s blue color comes from methane gas.
Who’ll live here: The ultimate escape for Outliers. (Heck, it’s not even a planet anymore. You’ll be paid to live here.)
Average rent: -652 gaspounds/month.
Fun fact: Pluto is now considered a dwarf planet (though we prefer “planet classic.”)
Who’ll live here: Recluses, introverts, comics. Closest to the sun, it’s also hot, but small. Greek God Hermes likes living here, the winged fella. (Turns out he has a thing for scarves.) Mercury is a small planet, ergo apartment floor space will be at a premium.
Average rent: 365 blancmange/month.
Fun fact: Mercury can experience temperature swings of around 1100 degrees.
Who’ll live here: Haven of nuclear beach bums and tan moms. Already a star, it’s hot. What you’ve read is true. Utility costs are a challenge here. If you can stand the heat, however, there’s plenty of room to spread out as your body vaporizes… apartment floor plans will vary accordingly.
Average rent: 3.14159265359 planary pounds/month (or until liquidity is reached).
Fun fact: The Sun is 27 million degrees Fahrenheit at its core.
Who’ll live here: The rest of us. A nostalgic favorite, but really SO last year. (Earth’s Moon, on the other hand, is undergoing brand-new renovation.)
Average rent: Varies.
(Happy April Fools’ Day, everyone!)
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