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Rules of Roommate Conflict Resolution

  1. Start right: Set a time to discuss your conflict. Make sure the time is convenient toeveryone involved. Avoid bringing up the problem when your roommate iswalking out the door on the way to a mid-term exam. A better approach wouldbe, "We need to talk about what is going on. When do you have time to workthis out?" Schedule enough time to avoid time pressure.
  2. Remember about equal rights: Everyone involved is equal and should have equalrights to be heard in the discussion. To create a sense of equality, you maywish to meet at a neutral place. It may help to have everyone sit on thefloor or at a table (all at the same level).
  3. Set aside your desire to "win." Winning an argument is not the same assucceeding in conflict resolution where, together with your roommates, youwill all win over the conflict situation.
  4. Each roommate should be able to talk freely about how he/she feels.Make sure that each person's ideas and feelings are clear to everyoneinvolved. Be willing to share your feelings honestly and don't expect othersto know how you feel without being told.
  5. Assume each other's perspective. Ask your roommate to reversepositions, i.e., to stand in your shoes while you stand in theirs. This cansometimes be the most effective way of getting your point across and,contrariwise, understanding where your roommate is coming from.
  6. Avoid blaming each other. Assessing blame often has the effect ofmaking the other party defensive and anxious to find fault with you,widening instead of narrowing the conflict.
  7. Talk about actions which can be changed rather than personalities."You leave your books on the dining room table," can lead to a change ofhabit; while, "You're a lazy slob," will only lead to defensiveness andhostility. Personal attacks destroy communication of productive ideas.
  8. Don't team up with one roommate against another. This createsdefensiveness in the third roommate. You are all working together for asolution.
  9. Don't psychoanalyze your roommate. Avoid a statement such as "Maybeyou don't realize this about yourself, but...." Most people don't like thefeeling of being analyzed. Instead, take responsibility for your ownfeelings. A better approach might be, "What you're doing makes me feel...."
  10. If your roommates begin fighting unfairly, take responsibility forgetting things back on the right track. You don't have to let aconfrontation go from bad to worse. Help set and maintain the positive toneof the discussion by your example.
  11. Don't put your roommates on the spot by insisting on an immediateresponse to your demands. If possible, give each other time (at leastovernight) to think over a specific demand or suggested cause of action.

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